Daily life · Emotions · Living abroad · Loneliness

Autumn blues

Can’t believe summer is almost over. The weather is supposed to be quite nice this weekend so there is still some time to enjoy the sun, but the days are already getting shorter and I can feel the shiver of the autumn wind.. it’s different from the summer wind. In some ways the summer has felt short, but long at the same time. I moved to my new house, quit my other job, recently got a new, regular position at the library. I briefly visited home, and saw my friends. I started and quit therapy (it didn’t feel right for me, and I am currently trying to figure out the best option for me). I enjoyed the sunshine whenever I could, I read a lot of books, and ate way too much junk food. I was an emotional wreck a little too many times, but somehow got through one crisis after another.

I recently heard some news that have got me thinking about the future, and the possibility of moving away from Winchester earlier than initially planned. Although I have just landed a regular position in the library, I am already thinking of the next phase in my life. Something is pulling me away from here, and telling me it’s time for a change. Although I love this city, I don’t know if it has much to give me anymore. And it’s not the same as it used to be. Whether it’s more about trying to run away from my anxiety and the feelings of isolation, or a true desire to experience something new, I am not sure, but all I can say is that whenever I travel elsewhere I get a sense of freedom, and that I am somehow feeling more alive than when I am here.

Right now I sort of can’t wait for this year to be over.. Knowing that in a couple of weeks my life will mostly consist of work and study with no free weekends until December makes me feel quite terrified, and I am trying to keep telling myself it will only be temporary, and that maybe it won’t be as stressful as I think. But it’s hard, and my mind keeps drifting away, already making ‘escape plans’ for it all. I wish I had something nice to look forward to every week, something, or more like someone, that would help me detox from the stress, and motivate me to keep going. I have felt lonely most of my life, but I guess living abroad multiplies that feeling, and makes it ten times harder.

This situation of not knowing whether this guy really likes me, or what they want from me is really weighing on my mind right now. When I like someone, I really like them, and I need constant reassurance that they like me too. Being as alone as I am now, it’s even worse. For the past few months, I have felt so confused, and I have thought that I need to be able to deattach myself from this person, but at the same time, I’ve felt that I don’t  want to because I care about him so much, and I just don’t want to give up on him. I told him about my diagnosis, and about my past struggles, and it was a big deal for me to open up like that. For once I felt that someone was understanding, and didn’t ask any stupid questions. I just don’t want to give up on a person like that.

P.s. My CBD oil experiment is on break atm, but I will make an update on it soon. Nothing exciting.

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